Many of my crossdressing friends tell me that they feel confused and often afraid about continuing to crossdress within their marriage. In many cases they feel uncomfortable about where it may lead and guilty about these desires.
There’s a struggle that takes place trying to justify the idea of dressing, and the guilt of doing so and hiding the fact. On the one hand there’s a desire to be open and honest with a spouse, on the other the fear of misunderstanding, or even the thought that simply crossdressing may lead to infidelity. Well, before we go much further let’s dispel a few myths.
A desire to crossdress is not the same as a desire to be unfaithful. Crossdressing doesn’t work quite like that. It’s more about adopting the feminine side of oneself than about anyone else. If infidelity is on the cards, it’s unlikely to have anything to do with crossdressing, other than the fact that many people crossdressing for the first few times do feel a sense of excitement that is comparable to a sexual high. When this happens I generally advise my friends not to engage in anything they are remotely unsure about. One can live to regret it.
Our partners fall in love with us because of the people we are, not necessarily the people we will become. As we age we often find that there’s a greater acceptance of the feminine aspects of who we are. We change. There’s nothing particularly unusual about that. Within a successful marriage there’s usually an acceptance that some changes will take place. This particular shift may test the marriage if it is not managed sensitively.
Likely the reasons your partner initially connected with you was not particularly about how feminine you were. So, as the issue is approached it’s wise to question, “what am I to my partner?” If the answer is ‘A very manly person with completely Alpha personality’ presenting them with an introverted feminine version of yourself is unlikely to be a positive revelation. However, acknowledging that many women are very Alpha, allowing the partner to witness this person you are becoming — still alpha — but accepting the gentler aspects of a less binary definition of oneself, may be seen as growth.
You’ll see the importance of language here is evident. Saying “I’m finding comfort in developing the more gentle aspects of my personality” is going to be more successful than saying, “I want to wear your panties”. Voicing your desire to embrace a less testosterone laden approach is something that’s not likely to be met with much hostility.
Should you hide it? Well, it really depends on what crossdressing means to you. If it’s a minor fetish that you like to indulge in, then you’re better off sharing it in the hopes that your partner will get a positive kick from it too. If your partner wanted a manly man and is never going to accept the idea that you like to dress, well you have to question how much benefit you will bring to the situation by ‘outing’ yourself. Perhaps a more subdued approach, adopting a more androgynous approach to dressing and gender generally, would be more appropriate. Marriage is, after all, about sacrifice as much as anything else.
Ultimately one has to remember that crossdressing is merely the aesthetic aspect of a deeper shift within the personality. It’s just a physical aspect of the greater psychological reshaping of the person. Yes, that’s a pretty heavy thought, and one for a later posting.
I find that when a sensitive approach is made, considering the other persons feelings and expectations, a successful outcome can be reached. It’s all about accepting yourself, and finding appropriate levels of behaviour. This is a skill that any crossdresser needs to develop and can learn. So, as ever, there’s no black and white answers. Anyone — partner or otherwise — who is intransigent will eventually hit some walls they can’t get through. So, in the few cases that this really is a deal breaker it’s likely it was a deal that was going to break at some point anyway.